When we are in tough spot and we feel like the world is ending there are always those people who are going to tell you to “stay positive” and all you want to do is punch those people in the face. Because they really have no idea what they are talking about, do they? I have a counter-question for you: Does it matter if they understand? Isn’t all that should matter, whether they are right or not?
Why should we try to stay positive? I have quite a simple answer for you: Because it is easy to fall into self-loathing. And when we fall into that pit, getting out is hard. So hard, that our recovery process will become an immense challenge. This is why I think, that we should try to focus on the positive at least once a day. And while positivity may not directly contribute to our getting better, negativity will do the exact opposite: make us worse. And if we do not “try to stay positive” for positivities sake then at least we do it to not fall into negativity.
In my eyes this is, why we should try to put positivity into this world. In thoughts and actions. It is not only that the people around us will thank us for it, but also, we ourselves, will benefit from it. I am not saying we need to have a big smile on every second of the day. I do not say that we may not feel our pain. I just say, we should not forget that there is something else than our pain.
“For either way you choose you cannot win” is a quote from The Phantom of the Opera, where the main character, Christine, is faced with the choice between spending her life with a man, a monster she does not love, or having said man kill her lover. Both options will cause her infinite pain. But one of them is the right one. Because one of them will safe someone’s life.
Why am I telling you this? Well, it does not matter, whether or not we cut. We are at war. With ourselves. If we harm ourselves, we will hate ourselves, for doing so. And if we don’t, we will feel like we are not doing what we “want” to be doing.
This seems to be bad news. Because, we can fight and we will still be in pain. Or we don’t fight and we are in pain. Same result, isn’t it? I say it’s not. I even say this is good news. No matter our choice, we will be in pain. So why not do the right thing? Why drown in self-loathing when it does not help? We may not feel like our actions make any difference. We may not see any benefit in fighting, but the world will be a better place if we fight.
“But the world does not care for me.” This is true, and I am not going to lie to you, it is devastating at times. But the fact that the world does not care, does not mean that we do not have an impact on the world. On the people around us. This is why I want to get better: Because I may be feeling the pain. But when I look into my 2-year old niece’s eyes and see her smile, when she sees a cat, I understand that I may not feel the difference, but my niece will. My friends will. My family will. And they are worth fighting for. I may feel like I am not worth it. I may even know that no one will appreciate my fighting. But I know that there are people who I want to be fighting for. One day I will leave this world behind (and I pray it may not be because of my Self-Harm) and I will pass it on to my children and the children of the people I care about. And my legacy shall not be how I drowned in an abyss of pain that I did not fight.
My life is not just about me. And that is why I want to keep fighting. Even though I feel in the pain no matter what I do.