There is no such thing as “I have to do this.” But the alternative is to deal with the consequences.
Last week was exhausting. I had a midterm on Friday and the whole week I kept thinking: “I am so exhausted. I don’t want anything but sleep, but I have to keep going. I need to study.” But when the midterm was over and I had some time to make new to do lists and think about my whole situation I noticed a few things.
- My real problem was my mindset
- I wanted to study. I did not want to be sleeping or binging TV
- But I couldn’t, because I was so tired
- I’m not tired because of the workload, I am tired because of my mindset and the season
The more we force ourselves to do stuff, we don’t feel like wanting to do, the more tired we get mentally and the less energy we have. Often we just need to remember, why we want to do something. And remember, that we really don’t have to do it, if we don’t want to. This is a very empowering shift in mindset. It allows us to get back in control.
The other problem is the season. There are really nice aspects to it: it is cuddly weather and we get to wear the comfy clothes and drink tea and hot coco all Sunday long. It is perfectly acceptable to just stay in bed and do nothing for a little. We get chestnuts and gingerbread, chocolates and cookies. We light the scented candles and start listening to all the beautiful winter songs again. On the other hand there is the darkness and the cold. We get a Vitamin D deficiency. We dial back our physical activity. And this is what makes us so tired. For me there really just is one thing: more working out and a better sleep schedule. It gives a sense of control and it battles the exhaustion.
And again: we do not have to work out. But I want to. Because I want to study. And I want to be confident. And I want to have energy. And I know that regular work-outs will provide all those things.
It has been a few months since I got hocked on to The Good Place. In just a few months it turned into my absolute favorite show. It is about a self-centered woman who accidentally ends up in the good place which is pretty much heaven. In order to not be sent to the bad place she tries to become a better person and earn her place in the good place.
This in itself sounds like a perfectly enjoyable piece of television, but this is not the reason I write about it on this blog. The show made an actual impact on me. Not only was able to laugh from the bottom of my heart, but I became more positive. Because all those bright pictures and all that happiness that is constantly shown in the series made me happier. In addition to that it discusses several philosophical concepts which allowed me to straighten my view of the world a little more.
But it was when I listened to The Good Place -The Podcast- that I suddenly realized one thing: All these amazing people who work on The Good Place have one thing in common: They radiate appreciation and happiness. The producers, cast members, directors, writer, everyone is aware of what an outstanding piece of art they are creating and they are grateful to be part of it. One of them once said in awe : “This is our job!” Meaning they can almost not believe, that their life is so perfect.
I find this so very inspiring. It means that working towards a wonderful life is not in vain, but it also means that appreciating one’s life the way it is, is possible and a great source of happiness. And here’s another thought: If we hate on what we are doing on a daily basis, we will never become great at what we do, because we keep avoiding it.
There is one other thing: The shows we watch and the people we surround ourselves with have an impact on us. If we watch dark movies all the time, we might get nightmares (has happened to me before) but if we watch happy TV shows, we will be a little happier in our own lives as well. And surrounding us with happy people, or just spending some time listening to happy people talk, can inspire us to be happy. It makes it easier to be positive day after day. And being positive does not only affect us. As I said before: positive people have an awesome effect on their surroundings. And if we are positive, we can make our friends and families a little happier.
That is why I think trying to be happy, surrounding us with happy shows, music etc. is worth it. It makes us and those we love happier.
I am supposed to study. Supposed to deal with my self-harm. Trust me, it’s not that easy. It is not as straight forward. I feel the darkness is just getting stronger. I am running in circles. Questioning whether I am developing an actual depression. Why I am I suspecting it? Well, I am crying. A lot. The weekend I spent binging TV. And that’s how I spent every weekend in the last 7 weeks. I am aware that a TV addiction is not a tell tale sign for a depression, but it can be one of the symptoms.
This morning I woke up with a tinnitus. If I think about it, I know that I am worse than I’ve been for a long time, but I feel strangely okay. Just a big bulk of nothingness. And I know that’s not good. Because nothing is exactly what will get me cutting eventually. The keyword is “eventually”. For now I am okay. The problem is: I may feel okay, but before I know why, before I know that something is wrong, I end up cutting. And I don’t feel bad. Neither before nor afterwards. It is like I just don’t care anymore. So I am just doing what I can: trying to study. Trying to fill the void of nothingness with knowledge. It does not work. But I gotta keep trying.