Not only is anger dangerous, because it can lead to us destroying things, or hurting ourselves. Not only is it dangerous because it makes us feel bad. The greatest danger that I see in anger is its potential to be a mask. Being mad at someone or something else, even being mad at ourselves can distract us, from what it is that is actually making us feel bad. We get hurt by some, we get angry. We fail anything, we get angry.
But what happens, if we contain the anger and it does not go away on its own? What happens, if we never confront our own state of mind, but keep bottling up? Chances are at some point something goes to pieces. A glass, a plate. Maybe we literally hit a wall or even a human being. But even if we do not lash out we have a problem. Because the moment the anger turns into aggression (and it will do that), we act upon that anger. Sure, there are ways to deal with anger that do not hurt anyone, except for ourselves that is.
We release our anger. Hit a punching bag or go to a gym. But here’s the problem. Unless we actually do a structured workout and just release anger, because we feel like it, we will experience an emotional break down. Because we are getting rid of the mask. We are getting rid of what kept us going. And we experience the entirety of the pain and frustration that we have been bottling up. At least at that point we are facing it, but chances are, that it will just roll over us.
And the only thing we can do, is prepare for the breakdown. Because bottling up even more is never a good idea, and releasing anger in any unsafe setting is just as the name suggests: unsafe. Also: the breakdown may catch us, even if we are in a structured setting. So the only thing we really can do is having chocolate nearby and plan what we will do after working out (or whatever release-method we choose) because if we do not have a plan, emptiness will follow the pain. We will end up parallelized and cold and weak. And the moment we are alone with all those things… that is the moment we may think about harming ourselves.
There is nothing wrong with being angry. It is one of the most human things. But we have to know how to deal with our anger. We need to be able to protect ourselves, from our anger. Otherwise we may get hurt and in reaction need anger to mask our pain again.
The moment we think we are fine, we get ourselves in a situation where we realize that we really aren’t. We end up in bathrooms. Cutting. Crying. Just sitting there hoping the panic goes by. But it won’t. Your body screams. Tickling. Twitching. Heat racing through your veins. But the pain doesn’t stop.
How does it feel when your heart breaks? How does it feel when you reached the end of the road and you know that it’s all over? Is it cold? Does it not tear you apart anymore? Because if it did you were still trying to fight. It’s when you have lost all hope. When you have given up the fight… that is when being shattered to pieces is peaceful. Because you have stopped trying to put yourself together. Do we need to give up to find peace?
Why do all the attempts to get better fail? And why is it so frustrating? Frustrating enough that all I want to do is declare my hate for everything and break into pieces. Irreversibly. Why do I feel like giving up? Maybe because I have always kept saying that I was about to get better. And I believed it. But it was never true. This is not how I imagined to be. Why does the cold not end? It should have been over a week ago. It should have. Maybe it will never. And I am starting to loose my strength. I am loosing my will to fight.
I once trusted that I could become better. That trust hast faded into a hope. And that hope is so faint now. I lost the will to hope. And when that happened… I turned my back at everyone. Because I do not want to hurt anyone. My pain shall not hurt those I love. And still. Those I love will tell me that it is not true. Then why does it feel like it? Pushing you away hurts. But putting you through my pain -my pain that I am not even able to name- hurts just as much. How can I trust that you will be able to handle it, when I am not able to deal with it? How can you still hope, when I am giving up? Why can you not see that it’s almost over. That there is nothing left to say. Nothing left to do. Just waiting until the fall ends and I hit the ground.
I am probably exaggerating. As always. I am probably just absolutely normal. Just going through some emotionally intense times. Am I not? How am I different from anybody else? The answer is: I am not. What I feel. What I experience… happens to everyone at some point. I do not know how other people deal with this. How other people can survive this. But I don’t feel like I can. That is probably the thing that makes me different: I am not strong enough to go through this. Others are.
Well… I even think giving up needs strength. I do not think, that I have that strength. Not yet. I am still trying. I guess… If I wasn’t I would not be writing this. But I am at the point where I look at the blade and think:
“You do not have to do this.”
“I know, but I want to.”
I am supposed to not hate myself for the darkness inside me. And you know… I don’t. Because I feel nothing. But pain. I am so good at covering it. I guess everyone with a mental disorder is. We smile and laugh to calm others down. To make them believe that we are fine. But it is just another lie. A lie that we tell because if we don’t we are just going to make ourselves and those we love more miserable? How is accepting the cutting and giving in different? Maybe I will find an answer to that question. At some point. For now: I am trying to not fall any deeper.