Better than others.

Most humans who wander on this earth are guilty of putting other people down. I know I am. But why? Why is it that we instinctively feel that we need to be better than other people? Why are we competitive at all? Because truth be told, we do not feel better, if we are better than others. So why do we want other people to know that we are better than them?

The same question can be asked in context of social media. Why is it, that we only show pictures of us being happy? Why do we try to prove that we have a better life than everybody else.

I believe that this is a symptom of us not meeting our own standards. We want to be better than we are. And we are hurting, because we are not. So we convert that pain. Into the energy to showcase how great everything is. Hoping that someone else will approve our life. And if someone else approves maybe we can approve too. And maybe we can stop hating ourselves. But we cannot. Because as much as we cover up the truth of our lives, as much do we know that we are covering up. And as much do we know that something is not quite as it should be.

There are two sides of the coin: We do not like our lives/ourselves and we depend on other’s approval to feel good about ourselves. Both of which I think deserve their own blogpost. Some of the points I have touched upon in previous blog posts. Some I will cover in the future.

The Dawn

I never wanted this to be a space, where I pointlessly whine about how I feel. I started this blog with the purpose of expressing, why someone would harm him-/herself and I wanted to share, how I manage to deal with the fact that I turned against myself. I wanted to share, what I have learned one can do to get better. But I also wanted a space, where I am allowed to openly speak. So here is a quick update on my mental state:

It has been two weeks since I last saw my therapist and had my finalizing session. My last actual therapy session was five weeks ago. I last cut three weeks ago. Those cuts healed without triggering me again, which is nice. I have not yet made any attempts to get a new therapist. Though I really wanted to do that, but I honestly think, that I might benefit more from DBT, so I will talk to a professional before I make a decision.

Over all I am fine. It feels like I am finally re-orientating. It feels like I can breath again. Like the darkness has made space for the sun to dawn again. Because I can be myself again. Do not get me wrong. I know exactly, why I feel like this now and not a few weeks ago. There was a change in my life, that was necessary. I was depending on someone who did not respect me for the person I am. And that lead to me disrespecting myself. It is stupid. I know. But now this is over and I can finally focus on the woman I want to be.

It is a lot of work. Putting effort into studying. Trying to redefine my vision. Depending on only myself and people I know I can trust. But I know one thing: It is absolutely worth it. I want to be myself. I can be a strong woman with her own mind. I just have to make up my mind first. And I have to work towards believing that my view on the world is valid, no matter if other people agree with me or not. And that is what I will be doing for the coming time. I do not know how long this will take. But I will never find out, if I do not start.

Love and Our Self-Image

Love is complicated. No kidding. Therefore all I am trying to do is answer the following: Can a mental illness make us fall in love for the wrong reasons?

This answer seems to be a simple “yes”. Because with a mental issue like self-harm oftentimes comes self-hate and we end up relying on someone else to give us the approval and validation we cannot provide for ourselves. Here is the problem: while self-harm enhances that issue it is not the reason. In fact it is the other way around: self-harm and seeking validation from others both are a manifestation of our low self image.

Does this mean that we are not allowed to fall in love? Does it mean we have to get healthy and confident before we allow ourselves to fall in love? What would the natural consequence of that be? Say we never really recover, does that imply we never may give in to love because we could be doing it for the wrong reasons? If we have experienced falling in love and completely depending on that person, it may be understandable that the fear of falling for the wrong reasons might keep us from falling at all. But just because we made one mistake in the past does not mean we have to make another one in the present.

Depending on one’s loved one is natural to some degree. But I find it important to remember that we still are individuals. And as such it is crucial that we keep improving. That we keep working on our self-confidence. I think it is also vital that we talk to our significant other about these issues. A relationship is supposed to make us better as individuals. But the moment we stop improving we are getting worse. So if our relationship makes us dependent on the other person. If the relationship is the only reason we can love ourselves, it is not making us better. On the contrary. And that’s the point where it has to end.

How do we know if our relationship has turned into this? Because it may very well be that it started out as a healthy relationship. I think the best indicator is how much we are depending. And this however is individual. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to make a decision once and just go with whatever the loved one decides. But if the other one makes every single decision that is a clear indicator for dependence. Another one is when one is miserable without the other. And I am not talking about the normal missing someone. I am talking about that moment where you are constantly waiting for the other. The moment where your world is limited to the relationship we need to work on our independence. And this does not mean we need to break up. By no means. But it means that we should take action in some form. Most likely it is also a good idea to talk about it with out loved one. Because looking at it from the other angle putting this pressure onto someone is not fair just as much as it is unhealthy. No one is even remotely capable of being someone’s only reason to be happy. I am not saying that our relationships don’t make us very happy. But the point is that they add to our lives and are not the sole purpose of them.

One more sign would be that the relationship has become purely physical. And then we might just be holding on to it for the physical comfort. Which means we are not dependent on a person but on hugs or sex. Again: as long as we have a life outside our sex-life (my apologies for the explicity) that’s fine. And we have to decide whether or not that is a relationship worth having. Now, I am saying this because I never wanted a purely physical relationship, but I did not notice that I was in one until I got out of it. If we are in such a relationship we often do not see what is going on. And we cannot see because we are depending on it.

There is the possibility of being in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Or having a relationship conflict with us building self-confidence as an individual. But usually that is no reason to end our relationships or forbid ourselves to engage in one. As long as we don’t feel like our relationship is the only good thing in our lives. As long as we have other hobbies and passions, we are fine. In a good relationship we will always be safe and supported when we need it but at the same time we will be encouraged to have our own lives and we will be better as individuals just as much as we are better as a couple.