Where is the point where we actually are sick? When is our suffering “big enough”? When is it real? Is it enough if we break down and cry on a daily basis? Do we have to hurt ourselves? Be deprived of our sleep? When does “Pull yourself together!” turn into “Ah you poor thing!”. When is it time to stop trying to push through and admit that we hurt?
There is not a lot I can say. Because pain is subjective. If you feel like crying. You are not making it up. If you feel like screaming and tearing down the place in anger. This is a valid emotion. Sure there are places where such emotional outbursts are plain inappropriate. But for the majority of the time this is our reality. This is how we feel. And it is exactly as real as we feel it. There is one thing I can say and that is that there is no point in making it worse by putting the blade to our skin. Because the people around us either support us for what we tell them we feel or they will not get what the cuts mean either. Someone who really loves us will never need bloody proof of the pain we are going through.
And we shouldn’t either. We should not be questioning our own emotions to the point where we just want to put a label to it. To the point where we cut ourselves, just to justify that we are not feeling alright. Just to prove how awful we feel. Just to prove how worthless we feel. How misunderstood we feel.
We are not sick the moment we cut to know and prove we are not alright. We are sick the moment we consider doing it. It is not about whether or not we have the strength to withstand that thought. We always feel that we have to be strong and that we need to fight it. And I agree, we do need to try to get better. But that does not mean, that if we feel down we are worthless. Because our emotions are absolutely valid and anyone how does not see that does not belong into our close circles because they are bound to hurt us.
I know I am a person who always tries to explain and justify anything I feel. And sometimes I get mad at myself for getting frustrated by something as little as a messed up nail-polish. But isn’t this kind of mindset just an emotional act of violence against us? And can this not even lead to us cutting? Because we want a label. Because we want to stop justifying why we hate ourselves. And we cut to make it obvious. By this logic cutting can start with emotional violence against ourselves.
If someone tells you “You are to harsh on yourself.” They may have seen exactly this. And most likely have a valid point. The thing is: we cannot expect that we just flip a switch and are in total love with ourselves. And again: we are not expected to. But I think that the first step to healing. Really healing. Not just stopping to cut, but healing on the inside, is to start acknowledging our emotions and allowing ourselves to have them. To be kind to ourselves.
When we slide into depression or simply feel like we have a depressed mood there is one thing that can happen so easily. We become toxic. We start dragging everyone around us down with us. Because we share our misery. And sometimes we need to be allowed to feel as sad as we want to. And it is so important that we are not alone in those hours. Because when we are it is when we get the worst ideas.
But while sharing our negative thoughts can be necessary we also know of the negative impact those thoughts can have on the people around us. We do know that our suffering becomes the pain of the people we love. We become toxic. And we are caught in a dilemma. On one hand we need nothing more than company and someone being there, comforting us. But on the other hand we know that we will share our negativity. So locking ourselves up in our rooms is wrong because it will prevent us from getting better and seeking company will make the toxins spread.
The next issue is, that we know how toxic we are. We know that we are not fun to be around. We know we are putting a damper on the mood, wherever we go. And we hate it. We hate being sad. It is not like we choose to be sad. We do not want to hurt those we love. This is why being negative around people we love will make us even more negative. Because we hate ourselves for hurting the people close to us.
Some may say: “Trust the people around you, to be able to protect themselves.” And I am a huge advocate of this. But at the same time: What if they protect themselves from us and we loose them forever just because we had a depressive phase? What if we do a lot of damage, before the other person notices that he/she needs to protect him-/herself?
So how can we interact with people? How can we talk about the things that really go on in our heads? How can we know if someone is strong enough to handle it? Honestly I do not know if we can ever be sure. And I think the best way is to work on getting rid of the negativity. I know this is so much easier to write, than to do. But for a first step I think we should all try to share our happiness and our positivity at least as much as we share our sadness. And the other really good step is to get away from ourselves. To ask people about how they are. To practice caring about how other people feel. Even if it is just to get ourselves away from the misery we experience.
And this way we can seek comfort with other people if we are not at our best, because we aren’t always negative. And we are not the only thing we care about. The question really is: Whether or not our bad moods will ruin a relationship. And the simple answer is: Only if the sadness is what defines the relationship. And it is the very same with us in general. Negativity is a normal part of life. No one can be happy non-stop. Negativity will only ruin us, if it defines us. We are only toxic to others, when we are nothing but sad.
I am supposed to study. Supposed to deal with my self-harm. Trust me, it’s not that easy. It is not as straight forward. I feel the darkness is just getting stronger. I am running in circles. Questioning whether I am developing an actual depression. Why I am I suspecting it? Well, I am crying. A lot. The weekend I spent binging TV. And that’s how I spent every weekend in the last 7 weeks. I am aware that a TV addiction is not a tell tale sign for a depression, but it can be one of the symptoms.
This morning I woke up with a tinnitus. If I think about it, I know that I am worse than I’ve been for a long time, but I feel strangely okay. Just a big bulk of nothingness. And I know that’s not good. Because nothing is exactly what will get me cutting eventually. The keyword is “eventually”. For now I am okay. The problem is: I may feel okay, but before I know why, before I know that something is wrong, I end up cutting. And I don’t feel bad. Neither before nor afterwards. It is like I just don’t care anymore. So I am just doing what I can: trying to study. Trying to fill the void of nothingness with knowledge. It does not work. But I gotta keep trying.