Emotional Violence

Where is the point where we actually are sick? When is our suffering “big enough”? When is it real? Is it enough if we break down and cry on a daily basis? Do we have to hurt ourselves? Be deprived of our sleep? When does “Pull yourself together!” turn into “Ah you poor thing!”. When is it time to stop trying to push through and admit that we hurt?

There is not a lot I can say. Because pain is subjective. If you feel like crying. You are not making it up. If you feel like screaming and tearing down the place in anger. This is a valid emotion. Sure there are places where such emotional outbursts are plain inappropriate. But for the majority of the time this is our reality. This is how we feel. And it is exactly as real as we feel it. There is one thing I can say and that is that there is no point in making it worse by putting the blade to our skin. Because the people around us either support us for what we tell them we feel or they will not get what the cuts mean either. Someone who really loves us will never need bloody proof of the pain we are going through.

And we shouldn’t either. We should not be questioning our own emotions to the point where we just want to put a label to it. To the point where we cut ourselves, just to justify that we are not feeling alright. Just to prove how awful we feel. Just to prove how worthless we feel. How misunderstood we feel.

We are not sick the moment we cut to know and prove we are not alright. We are sick the moment we consider doing it. It is not about whether or not we have the strength to withstand that thought. We always feel that we have to be strong and that we need to fight it. And I agree, we do need to try to get better. But that does not mean, that if we feel down we are worthless. Because our emotions are absolutely valid and anyone how does not see that does not belong into our close circles because they are bound to hurt us.

I know I am a person who always tries to explain and justify anything I feel. And sometimes I get mad at myself for getting frustrated by something as little as a messed up nail-polish. But isn’t this kind of mindset just an emotional act of violence against us? And can this not even lead to us cutting? Because we want a label. Because we want to stop justifying why we hate ourselves. And we cut to make it obvious. By this logic cutting can start with emotional violence against ourselves.

If someone tells you “You are to harsh on yourself.” They may have seen exactly this. And most likely have a valid point. The thing is: we cannot expect that we just flip a switch and are in total love with ourselves. And again: we are not expected to. But I think that the first step to healing. Really healing. Not just stopping to cut, but healing on the inside, is to start acknowledging our emotions and allowing ourselves to have them. To be kind to ourselves.

Therapy-Status

I felt like therapy was getting me nowhere. I did talk to my therapist about it. Then my therapist went on vacation. Meanwhile I was supposed to decide how I want to go on about it. I figured out very quickly that I did not want to stay with my current therapist. And I made the plan to go see someone else. However now that I have not been to a therapy session for almost three weeks, I feel like I do not even want therapy at all anymore. There literally is no difference. Sure, there were some times where I thought that it was the worst time to not have regular sessions, but after all: It was so relaxing to not talk to someone for an hour, trying to explain and justify every severe action I did, without anything. Really. I do not think the last three weeks would have gone any different if I had seen someone in that time. I had a few friends who were amazing when it came to listening to me and giving advice.

Yes, I have been cutting a lot in the last few weeks. Yes, it has been an exhausting time. But now I am just trying to re-define myself. Trying to become better. Trying to move on. The topic of cutting makes me so angry. The thought of going to therapy frustrates me a lot and I just do not know if I really should go on in therapy. Sure, I need to fight my cutting. I should. But, do I need the help of a therapist for that? Do I really spend all that time trying to explain myself? I simply do not see the benefit. I do not need a therapist to revisit the things I have done in a week. I do not need someone asking me how much I drunk or how often I have cut. I can do that all on my own. In fact, I do that per default. I naturally check back in with me, and ask myself how I am, reflecting, trying to figure out how I can handle a problem. I do not need someone who is just as confused with who I am as I am.

Here is the thing: I do not want to. Really, my whole being is resisting, but I will go see another therapist. Because as a matter of fact I need someone to prepare me for the exam-time. I need help getting from “I went a day without cutting.” To “I did not cut for a week.” “For a month.” And hopefully months turn into years. But apparently I cannot get there on my own. So, I have to trust another human. Have to allow another person to see me the way I am. I am not scared of it. Just tired. Because it takes so much effort to try make anyone understand. Especially if I don’t really care about how that person sees me. It is like pouring salt into my cuts, because it forces me to walk all those dark paths again. It makes me remember the pain and loneliness, even if I am over it. But on the other hand I cannot be helped, if I do not talk about it to someone who can actually help me.

Getting worse, without actually feeling it.

I am supposed to study. Supposed to deal with my self-harm. Trust me, it’s not that easy. It is not as straight forward. I feel the darkness is just getting stronger. I am running in circles. Questioning whether I am developing an actual depression. Why I am I suspecting it? Well, I am crying. A lot. The weekend I spent binging TV. And that’s how I spent every weekend in the last 7 weeks. I am aware that a TV addiction is not a tell tale sign for a depression, but it can be one of the symptoms.

This morning I woke up with a tinnitus. If I think about it, I know that I am worse than I’ve been for a long time, but I feel strangely okay. Just a big bulk of nothingness. And I know that’s not good. Because nothing is exactly what will get me cutting eventually. The keyword is “eventually”. For now I am okay. The problem is: I may feel okay, but before I know why, before I know that something is wrong, I end up cutting. And I don’t feel bad. Neither before nor afterwards. It is like I just don’t care anymore. So I am just doing what I can: trying to study. Trying to fill the void of nothingness with knowledge. It does not work. But I gotta keep trying.