Multi-Tasking and living in the NOW

When we become more like the person we want to be, we like what we do and we therefore can appreciate it more. We love what we are doing. We love who we are. We do not want to go back to a past version of us, nor do we care for a future version. We appreciate the life we have.

The only reality is the now. Now is the only time that counts. Now is the only time we can make a change. The past is gone. It lives on only in our memories. Let it be there. Don’t keep wishing for it to come back. Because it never will. And the future lies ahead. Only our plans can influence it. And those get messed up more often than not. Longing for the future to come will only hinder us from appreciating the present.

We should learn to live in the current moment. To fully appreciate it. But to fully appreciate we need the present to be aligned with our vision. With who we want to be and we need to be fully living that very moment. Our attention is this very precious thing. It is essentially the same as our time. We have to be mindful of what we spend it on. And when we are multi-tasking, we decide, that something is not important and not good enough to completely focus on it. And we end up not living those moments. We end up wasting them.

Not only does half-heartedness not lead to happiness. But it deprives us from feeling fulfilled. Because we never allow ourselves to get emotionally involved in anything. Because we are doing something else at the same time. Or because we are thinking about the past or the future. Maybe we just have too many commitments. If we cannot go to class without constantly being on our phones planning the next party, we most likely will neither listen to what we are actually wanting to learn nor are we planning the party well. We will have to re-plan the party and read through the materials of that lecture again. And in the end we will end up loosing time and hating ourselves for it.

I get a lot of weird looks because I decide to first and foremost be a student, because I love studying. And that is my commitment. I rather commit to one thing and do that right with good to amazing results than do three things at a time, messing at least two of them up and not enjoying it.

The other point is: If you are not committed to what you are doing. It will make you plain unhappy, because frankly you’d rather be somewhere else. This is why we have to be careful with what we commit to. Because we may slip into commitments that do not suit us. And of course this is a journey of trial and error, but we have to be aware of that.

And finally multi-tasking prevents brilliance (granted not always). If we cannot focus on the one thing we are doing we have a harder time understanding it and it is nearly impossible to do our best. Which means that our growth is hugely limited and therefore multi-tasking will prevent us from reaching our full potential. And that is just a waste of our resources and plain sad.

I believe there are things that work great together. Like riding a bike and listening to music. Or looking out the window of a driving train and listening to music. I even think that depending on the music it can even be listened to while studying. Though that last part is extremely debatable.

But I also have experienced how just being in the moment focusing on only one thing makes me feel at peace. Makes me happy. In fact I am texting, writing this post, listening to music and singing along from time to time right now. I could also imagine drinking a cup of tea as well. But it works for me. However I am slowing down to notice how good it feels. Slowing down to tap into how I feel deep down. Taping into my body a lot more often than I used to. And with the realization that it feels good comes the gratitude and the love for my life and inevitably happiness.

I am aware it will not always feel like this. But the more I practice it now. The more it becomes a habit. The more often I take a few heartbeats to take insanely deep breaths and just be there, the easier it will be to appreciate my life when it is getting harder again.

So all we need to do is know what we like doing. And do it well now. Appreciate it. And smile.

Hope and Pain

I realize how volatile I am. How my emotions swing from me loving from the bottom of my heart. From being the girl on top of the world to being sad, pushing everyone away. Hating.

Deep inside me the sensation has grown that I cannot be helped. No matter how many amazing people I have around me, who want to help me. And no matter how much I wish they could help me. They cannot.

This goes hand in hand with the fact that forcing someone to therapy will never do any good. We have to accept the truth at some point. We have to get better ourselves. And we have to walk this path alone. No matter how much we may fear loneliness. The only way out of the pain, is through more pain. And I am not saying, we should all give up hope. Because there is a way out. But it is not as easy as we keep thinking. And we are more alone than we like.

When there is no one there to help us, we have to help ourselves. No human being can take away our pain, no matter their efforts. All there is left to do is for us to be courageous enough to embrace the cold of this sickness and to realize that we are our only way out.

But there is one thing that all those people trying to help us can tell us: We are worth the efforts. We are worth it, even if we cannot believe it. We may not be understood. We may be in the dark. We may be exhausted from all the mood swings that throw us all over the emotional map, but we cannot give up. Because if we do, we are insulting everyone who ever tried helping us. All their efforts are in vain if we stop fighting.

Sometimes that thought is all that keeps me going. All that keeps me from grabbing a blade. Because in a world where every single thing we believe in, every single thing we feel, can become the total opposite in the blink of an eye, the blade, its impartial cold and the pain it causes becomes the only constant in our lives. Becomes certainty.

And certainty is all we long for. And when we loose faith in the people who are close to us. In the people who believe in us. When the emptiness swallows our trust, we seek comfort in the cuts. A friend once told me to put up pictures everywhere. To remind me of the people who believe in me. The people who I do not want to disappoint. Hoping that this will keep me from doing it. However all it does is it makes me feel like I already am a disappointment.

And I know that everyone who does believe in me will contradict me. But I cannot just stop feeling a certain way. I am aware that this is one step of getting better. But when it comes to getting better, sometimes every single step feels like running a marathon. And yet: we are the only ones who can run it.

So all we can do is hold on to the believe that there is a way out, even if it feels like it is going to take everything we’ve got. And sometimes even believing that there is a way takes everything we’ve got. But it is crucial to getting better. Realizing that we are the only ones responsible for what is happening to us. Realizing that we are the ones to change something, if we do not like it the way it is now.

On our way to getting better, we have so many people who wish to help us, but can’t. Well, their faith in us. Their pushing us to get better, may be the thing that gives us the will to heal. May be the thing that empowers us to run that marathon that the next step is.

It’s never enough. Or is it?

I realized that I should be happy and am not. My pain is not one big thing that destroys me in a matter of a few hours or a day. It scattered little things. Restlessness. The yearning for more. The yearning for purpose. Loneliness. Emptiness. All wearing me down. Slowly. Crushing me.

I took a step back and then realized that right now I am living my dream. I am doing what I love every day. I am surrounded by people I love and care about. Why am I so restless? Why am I so afraid of doing the wrong thing? Why am I so afraid of failing? Why is my present not enough?

There really is nothing I can do but realize how much my life right now is what I want. Remember that every day. And trying to be grateful. And by remembering maybe I can trick my emotions into feeling that happiness, that is supposed to come from my dream life. And I think I can learn it. I can teach myself to be happy. Because every day that I realized how much I want exactly what I have, I become a little happier. And hopefully this way, some day I can wake up and say: “I want this and nothing else.” and feel the happiness floating my system.

So, yes, it is never enough, unless we believe it is. Unless we see that we do not need more. And we have to teach ourselves to feel that. Because inherently we always want more even if we have enough.

Minimalism: The art of appreciating one’s possessions

The term minimalism has been thrown around the internet a lot. But why? Why does everyone suddenly want to de-clutter and have tidy spaces. Why are Instagram and Pinterest filled with the most beautiful pictures of homes? And why do people look at these picture envying the people living in the spaces depicted?

The movement seems to come from the notion that people who have less can be perfectly happy and that therefore it is not stuff, that makes happy. I think in fact it is our relationship and our approach to things that can contribute to our happiness. And this is exactly the point that makes minimalism a top for this blog, where I constantly stress the importance of a positive mindset. A positive approach to life, to the universe and… to everything, really. So let’s explore how minimalism can help finding the right approach to our possessions.

Everyone who has jumped into minimalism will have come across Marie Kondo’s “The Life changing Magic of tidying up”. It is basically a book on how to de-clutter and finding everything you keep a new home. And this thought I found so very inspiring. She talks about possessions almost as if they were conscious beings. If she discards something she thanks the item for its services. And I find that this gratitude is very helpful. Not only in discarding things but also in our everyday approach to items. But in order to be able to be grateful for something we need to not value our possessions in the first place and this is where minimalism strikes.

What items do we need? Marie Kondo’s hero-question is: “Does this spark joy?” And sure, there are things that do not in particular spark joy, but thinking about it, those items do make our lives a lot easier. For me the first thing that would come to mind are tissues. But usually “Does it spark joy?” Will help to discard many things, that we keep because we feel obliged to and yet, we never use them and we feel guilty about that and as time goes by we feel more and more guilt and we start trying to avoid those things.

But it is not only the things that make us feel bad about ourselves, that we need to let go. The things that we do not care about as well. If we have a shirt that we love and one that we feel “Meh” about, we will always reach for the one we love. So letting go is the right choice. Why though? Why let things go that we don’t care whether or not we have them? Because the more things we love we have around us, the more we can appreciate what we own. And the more things that are Meh and surround us, the more we feel Meh.

We do not need things that make us feel Meh. Because Meh is just another word for “kinda empty” and the latter is definitely an issue when it comes to dealing with tension and self-harm. That we do not need things that make us feel bad is obvious.

But what if I do not need 9 white T-Shirts, but I love every one of the ones I own? Do I have to toss them if I want to be a minimalist? Certainly not. It is not about having only a few things. It is about having only the things we really want to have. And this will contribute to our happiness. Minimalism should never be a source of guilt. Never. If we like pens and like to have hundreds of them in pretty containers and display them somewhere. Sure. We should do that. But we should always have a designated home for anything we own. Because that is the first step to expressing gratitude and if we cannot find a home for the item, how much do we really love it? We shall never just stuff things away, because chances are that we don’t need those things.

This way we will be happier with less possessions. Not because we value having only a few things. But because we value the things that we own. Because eliminating the things we do not like will give us the mental space to appreciate what we own. We can have a completely positive mindset towards our possessions, because we love everything we own. Everything brings us joy. And thinking about it… even if we discard half of what we own we still will be surrounded by so many things. So many things we love. And this means, we can go through life more positive. Which is exactly what we want.

The concept of having less and valuing it more can be applied to anything. It can be applied to every action. It is about being mindful. Doing one thing and giving it purpose rather than doing a hundred things but not caring for one of them. And not only will we be happier as an individual but also as a social being. Because if we meet a friend that’s all we do. Meet a friend. If we work we are more productive, because we are not doing five things at the same time. It will take pace and stress and pressure out of our daily lives and therefore leave us happier.

And again with caring for the few things we do more than for the hundreds of things we can be more grateful. With the few things we own we can be grateful for every single one of them. And eventually this fills us with peace. Having a few meaningful things in our lives, rather than just having stuff around us, that we don’t know what to think about.

Love and Our Self-Image

Love is complicated. No kidding. Therefore all I am trying to do is answer the following: Can a mental illness make us fall in love for the wrong reasons?

This answer seems to be a simple “yes”. Because with a mental issue like self-harm oftentimes comes self-hate and we end up relying on someone else to give us the approval and validation we cannot provide for ourselves. Here is the problem: while self-harm enhances that issue it is not the reason. In fact it is the other way around: self-harm and seeking validation from others both are a manifestation of our low self image.

Does this mean that we are not allowed to fall in love? Does it mean we have to get healthy and confident before we allow ourselves to fall in love? What would the natural consequence of that be? Say we never really recover, does that imply we never may give in to love because we could be doing it for the wrong reasons? If we have experienced falling in love and completely depending on that person, it may be understandable that the fear of falling for the wrong reasons might keep us from falling at all. But just because we made one mistake in the past does not mean we have to make another one in the present.

Depending on one’s loved one is natural to some degree. But I find it important to remember that we still are individuals. And as such it is crucial that we keep improving. That we keep working on our self-confidence. I think it is also vital that we talk to our significant other about these issues. A relationship is supposed to make us better as individuals. But the moment we stop improving we are getting worse. So if our relationship makes us dependent on the other person. If the relationship is the only reason we can love ourselves, it is not making us better. On the contrary. And that’s the point where it has to end.

How do we know if our relationship has turned into this? Because it may very well be that it started out as a healthy relationship. I think the best indicator is how much we are depending. And this however is individual. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to make a decision once and just go with whatever the loved one decides. But if the other one makes every single decision that is a clear indicator for dependence. Another one is when one is miserable without the other. And I am not talking about the normal missing someone. I am talking about that moment where you are constantly waiting for the other. The moment where your world is limited to the relationship we need to work on our independence. And this does not mean we need to break up. By no means. But it means that we should take action in some form. Most likely it is also a good idea to talk about it with out loved one. Because looking at it from the other angle putting this pressure onto someone is not fair just as much as it is unhealthy. No one is even remotely capable of being someone’s only reason to be happy. I am not saying that our relationships don’t make us very happy. But the point is that they add to our lives and are not the sole purpose of them.

One more sign would be that the relationship has become purely physical. And then we might just be holding on to it for the physical comfort. Which means we are not dependent on a person but on hugs or sex. Again: as long as we have a life outside our sex-life (my apologies for the explicity) that’s fine. And we have to decide whether or not that is a relationship worth having. Now, I am saying this because I never wanted a purely physical relationship, but I did not notice that I was in one until I got out of it. If we are in such a relationship we often do not see what is going on. And we cannot see because we are depending on it.

There is the possibility of being in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Or having a relationship conflict with us building self-confidence as an individual. But usually that is no reason to end our relationships or forbid ourselves to engage in one. As long as we don’t feel like our relationship is the only good thing in our lives. As long as we have other hobbies and passions, we are fine. In a good relationship we will always be safe and supported when we need it but at the same time we will be encouraged to have our own lives and we will be better as individuals just as much as we are better as a couple.