The Mindset

A Mindset. What is it? Can I eat it? No. A mindset is not eatable, but it can include eatable things. Allow me to explain. Google defines Mindset to be a person’s set of attitude. Even though very accurate this does not help anyone unless one already knows what a mindset is.

A mindset does not include emotional state, attitude may. Even though emotions and mindset do affect each other. But is one important difference: The mindset can and should be a conscious choice, whereas emotions are out of our control. As a result, the mindset is more steady than emotions.

How we handle our emotions may very well be a matter of our mindset. And how we choose to form our mindset may be influenced by our emotions. But they are not the same. Mindset can include eatable things, as it determines, what exactly we think about food.

The dictionary defines Mindset as a person’s way of thinking and her opinions. I like this definition. Because we can choose the way we think. We get to have control over that. Our mindset includes every attitude and also our general approach to life, the universe and everything. It includes our attitude towards working, relationships, spirituality, money, health, politics and climate change. As well as our opinion on art and literally everything around us. It also includes our goals and our wishes. Our desires and dreams. And our attitude towards those.

The most known and hyped mindsets are probably the minimalist mindset and the mindful mindset. But I do not believe that we have to choose one of the two, to form our own mindset. Keep in mind, that the mindset is probably one of the most personal things. I believe that a mindset can be changed. I believe everyone should tailor their mindset to their own needs to find happiness. But that is a whole new blogpost, that is what I am planning to write next.

A mindset does not only define our way of thinking and our attitude, a mindset can and in my opinion should define our whole life. The reason for that is simple. We have control over our mindset, if we define it such that it will take control of our life, we control our life by transitivity.

A passive mindset, will not affect a person’s life very much, in contrast to the active one. To understand that imagine Anna being criticized by her friend. She understands and even agrees with the criticism and moves on with her life. If Anna entertains an active mindset, she will improve, it may take her days, weeks or months depending on what the criticism was about, but in due time, she will not repeat that mistake. Anna takes responsibility for her life. And she deals with things. If she had a passive mindset, Anna would nod and smile and forget about it. She agrees, but her mindset is not to take action.

Improvement comes easier if one has an active mindset. Because with an active mindset, we have realized that this world does not do anything for us. As long as we have a passive mindset, our lives will not change the slightest bit. At least not in the direction we want. Because we may have dreams… but those are not coming true by chance. And concerning the little things in life, we don’t even really know what we want. We don’t really care. A passive mindset is just the result of ones upbringing. Just the sum of one’s surroundings.

An active mindset does not only contain the dream, it contains the steps to reach it. It contains a detailed roadmap. Someone with an active mindset will check back in with that roadmap and see if his or her actions bring him or her closer to that dream. Which at that point is not a dream anymore, but a goal.

The problem with switching from a passive mindset to an active one is, that it is so much work. We don’t only have to figure out what we want and how to get there. We have to motivate ourselves. And that turns out to be way more difficult, that it sounds. Taking the action of switching mindset, is already something that would be inherent to the active mindset, that is the very thing we are trying to acquire. And so we end up in a vicious cycle.

Most people with passive mindsets do not even realize, that their mindset is passive. Because it is how they have always lived. And when they don’t feel their best about their lives, they don’t realize, that it is not just a little thing bothering them. It is not just their job, friend or partner that is problematic. It is their entire mindset. Their way of thinking. Their attitude. That makes them unhappy. And they do not realize that unless they find a way to fix that, they will never find true peace and true self-confidence.

In addition I believe that many young people don’t quite understand the concept of a mindset. They all want to grow up and be their own boss, but they cannot take control of how they think, because they are still entertaining the same mindset they entertained as teenagers and children. I think, that we cannot be truly gown-up unless we understand how to take control of our own mind. This is true freedom. True independence.

The Danger of Anger

Not only is anger dangerous, because it can lead to us destroying things, or hurting ourselves. Not only is it dangerous because it makes us feel bad. The greatest danger that I see in anger is its potential to be a mask. Being mad at someone or something else, even being mad at ourselves can distract us, from what it is that is actually making us feel bad. We get hurt by some, we get angry. We fail anything, we get angry.

But what happens, if we contain the anger and it does not go away on its own? What happens, if we never confront our own state of mind, but keep bottling up? Chances are at some point something goes to pieces. A glass, a plate. Maybe we literally hit a wall or even a human being. But even if we do not lash out we have a problem. Because the moment the anger turns into aggression (and it will do that), we act upon that anger. Sure, there are ways to deal with anger that do not hurt anyone, except for ourselves that is.

We release our anger. Hit a punching bag or go to a gym. But here’s the problem. Unless we actually do a structured workout and just release anger, because we feel like it, we will experience an emotional break down. Because we are getting rid of the mask. We are getting rid of what kept us going. And we experience the entirety of the pain and frustration that we have been bottling up. At least at that point we are facing it, but chances are, that it will just roll over us.

And the only thing we can do, is prepare for the breakdown. Because bottling up even more is never a good idea, and releasing anger in any unsafe setting is just as the name suggests: unsafe. Also: the breakdown may catch us, even if we are in a structured setting. So the only thing we really can do is having chocolate nearby and plan what we will do after working out (or whatever release-method we choose) because if we do not have a plan, emptiness will follow the pain. We will end up parallelized and cold and weak. And the moment we are alone with all those things… that is the moment we may think about harming ourselves.

There is nothing wrong with being angry. It is one of the most human things. But we have to know how to deal with our anger. We need to be able to protect ourselves, from our anger. Otherwise we may get hurt and in reaction need anger to mask our pain again.

The Dawn

I never wanted this to be a space, where I pointlessly whine about how I feel. I started this blog with the purpose of expressing, why someone would harm him-/herself and I wanted to share, how I manage to deal with the fact that I turned against myself. I wanted to share, what I have learned one can do to get better. But I also wanted a space, where I am allowed to openly speak. So here is a quick update on my mental state:

It has been two weeks since I last saw my therapist and had my finalizing session. My last actual therapy session was five weeks ago. I last cut three weeks ago. Those cuts healed without triggering me again, which is nice. I have not yet made any attempts to get a new therapist. Though I really wanted to do that, but I honestly think, that I might benefit more from DBT, so I will talk to a professional before I make a decision.

Over all I am fine. It feels like I am finally re-orientating. It feels like I can breath again. Like the darkness has made space for the sun to dawn again. Because I can be myself again. Do not get me wrong. I know exactly, why I feel like this now and not a few weeks ago. There was a change in my life, that was necessary. I was depending on someone who did not respect me for the person I am. And that lead to me disrespecting myself. It is stupid. I know. But now this is over and I can finally focus on the woman I want to be.

It is a lot of work. Putting effort into studying. Trying to redefine my vision. Depending on only myself and people I know I can trust. But I know one thing: It is absolutely worth it. I want to be myself. I can be a strong woman with her own mind. I just have to make up my mind first. And I have to work towards believing that my view on the world is valid, no matter if other people agree with me or not. And that is what I will be doing for the coming time. I do not know how long this will take. But I will never find out, if I do not start.