Tag: problem

The Danger of Anger

Not only is anger dangerous, because it can lead to us destroying things, or hurting ourselves. Not only is it dangerous because it makes us feel bad. The greatest danger that I see in anger is its potential to be a mask. Being mad at someone or something else, even being mad at ourselves can distract us, from what it is that is actually making us feel bad. We get hurt by some, we get angry. We fail anything, we get angry.

But what happens, if we contain the anger and it does not go away on its own? What happens, if we never confront our own state of mind, but keep bottling up? Chances are at some point something goes to pieces. A glass, a plate. Maybe we literally hit a wall or even a human being. But even if we do not lash out we have a problem. Because the moment the anger turns into aggression (and it will do that), we act upon that anger. Sure, there are ways to deal with anger that do not hurt anyone, except for ourselves that is.

We release our anger. Hit a punching bag or go to a gym. But here’s the problem. Unless we actually do a structured workout and just release anger, because we feel like it, we will experience an emotional break down. Because we are getting rid of the mask. We are getting rid of what kept us going. And we experience the entirety of the pain and frustration that we have been bottling up. At least at that point we are facing it, but chances are, that it will just roll over us.

And the only thing we can do, is prepare for the breakdown. Because bottling up even more is never a good idea, and releasing anger in any unsafe setting is just as the name suggests: unsafe. Also: the breakdown may catch us, even if we are in a structured setting. So the only thing we really can do is having chocolate nearby and plan what we will do after working out (or whatever release-method we choose) because if we do not have a plan, emptiness will follow the pain. We will end up parallelized and cold and weak. And the moment we are alone with all those things… that is the moment we may think about harming ourselves.

There is nothing wrong with being angry. It is one of the most human things. But we have to know how to deal with our anger. We need to be able to protect ourselves, from our anger. Otherwise we may get hurt and in reaction need anger to mask our pain again.

The very first step

The first step in recovering from anything is probably the hardest, but it is also very simple: it is admitting to ourselves, that we are not as fine, as we like to make everyone (including ourselves) believe. With a mental disorder it is just so easy to deny that we are sick and push through everyday life.

The problem is that we cannot fight something, that we do not even admit is there. And fight we must, because those things, they don’t just disappear. Who are we kidding, when we say: “It’s just a rough patch, it’s gonna get better.” No, it’s not. But that is not a problem. Because we can and we will get better, once we stop living in ignorance.

But, why do we choose to live in ignorance? Why do we lie to everybody? Why do we prevent ourselves from actually getting better? There are many reasons. (In fact I believe nothing in context with self-harm is simple.) One of them is being afraid of being judged. The little sister of that one is being ashamed. Then there is the hate we feel for ourselves and the idea that we deserve to suffer, because we are a failure. The idea that we cannot be helped. Or the thought that it is not a problem. That it will resolve itself. That we are just making it up.

All of those are reasons keeping us from seeing the truth. For me personally it was the thinking that I was just being a drama queen in search for attention. And I did not want to reward that by giving my problem any attention. I was ashamed of myself, because I did not understand one thing: Even if we are doing it for attention, there is everything wrong with thinking that is a reason for not being worth to treat our self-harm. There are so many other ways to gain attention, hurting ourselves is not something that we are naturally drawn to. In fact it is what we are trying to avoid at all cost. So, there is no way that we “just want to get attention”. There is definitely something else going on. There is a good reason, we are yearning to be seen. And we need to deal with that. Not hide it.

No matter what we feel, self-harm is a problem. And we are allowed to view it as such. We do not need to be ashamed of it. We did not ask for it. And no matter, what it is that makes us think, we are a failure. We are not. And we do not deserve to suffer. We deserve to be helped, to overcome this. We deserve to be loved. We are loved. In our darkest hours we tend to forget this. But we are loved. So we deserve to love ourselves. With all that we are. Including our self-harm. The goal is not to hate ourselves for it. The goal is to help us get better.

And in order to get better. In order to believe ourselves, when we say, that we suffer from self-harm, I find it helpful to talk to someone about it. Because most of our reasons for not admitting what is going on, is a hate for ourselves, and a fear of being judged. So the experience, that other people do not hate and judge us for our self-harm is so helpful in actually seeing how it is may be a problem but it is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to hide. Trusting someone with our issue shows nothing but great strength. And honors the person we trust. I have made the exprience that those people highly appreciate our trust and faith in them and will try everything they can to help us get better.

But before we can get better, we need to view self-harm as a disorder that we have. A disorder that is not our fault. That does not lessen, the wonderful person we are. So please, if you are affected, allow yourself to have those issues, without hating yourself for them. Because you are an inspeakablely precious person, no matter what you run into!