Taking Responsibility vs. Hating

I have found one highly negative pattern within myself: Every time I failed in any kind of way, I would use this very failure to fuel my self-hate. Why would anyone do that? It seemingly makes no sense. Seemingly.

Humans can get used to almost anything. Including hating ourselves. And humans also do not particularly like change. So once we have gotten used to hating ourselves, we do not want to stop hating ourselves anymore. So we start finding reasons to hate ourselves and we end up in a negative cycle.

The important thing here is that we act as if we wanted the reason for hate to vanish but not actually taking any steps towards it. While this may seem very hypocritical it is actually not something we consciously do. And even if we know we have that problem, it may be almost impossible, to get rid of it, because to do so, we need to catch this negative behavior in the moment.

This ties in with general negativity. If we are able to eliminate negativity from our lives, we also get rid of our self-hate. So how can we catch this behavior? It is important to acknowledge our flaws, but it is not an excuse to go down the road of self-hate. We need to acknowledge our flaws, in order to improve. This is work. I am sorry. But the only sensible thing to do, when we catch ourselves talking to ourselves negatively and pointing out everything we did wrong, is to figure out ways to make it better next time. Sometimes our minds are too clouded by self-hatred, then it makes sense to write this down. This is productive and it gives us a better chance of breaking the cycle of negativity.

Here are some other things I like to keep in mind to break negativity:

Watching what I say. (I talk to myself a lot.) Especially watch out for whining and complaining. These are often just ways to give voice to negativity, without changing anything for the better. The goal is to become a more positive person, so yes, we need to acknowledge the things going wrong, but if we cannot change it, there is no point to get emotionally invested in it, since it will only drain our energy and make us more negative. This especially applies to talking about other people. If it is not something nice or at least very interesting we want to say, it would be wise to refrain from saying anything at all. Complaining, whining and bad-mouthing other people does not only make us more negative, but it also makes us a lot less pleasant to be around. Of course sometimes we just need to vent. It is perfectly human. But remember: there is ALWAYS something we could vent about. And it is one of the easiest negative traits to catch and correct.

Don’t seek out distraction when I feel crappy. This sounds a little counter-intuitive. But hear me out: I am not talking about taking a break or finishing the day off with a little bit of a nice TV series. I am talking about spending hours in front of the TV procrastinating. This can have all sorts of causes. My favorite ones are “I am tired” and “I am feeling nauseous”. The problem is: After I have wasted a few hours I will feel just as tired and in addition to that I will also not have done anything productive and that will have me feel even worse than where I was at the beginning.

Focus on improvement. This one is probably the most trivial one. But it is very important to remember that it is okay not only make small steps into the right direction. I once tried to talk myself down because I was sore after a workout, because it meant, that I was weak, even if that was true, me being sore was a sign I was on the right path. It is normal to have setbacks, but then it makes much more sense to focus on the long way we have come than on “how far we’ve fallen”. The first has a better chance at getting us up on our feet again.

Monitor what I think. This is very similar to watching what I say, just a lot more subtle. It is about training ourselves to be mindful of our thoughts and to alternate negative thoughts with something more nice and positive.

Take care of my physical self: Sleep, Exercise, Hydrate! This is pretty self-explanatory. It is all about feeling good in our bodies. If we feel good, it is easier to focus on how good we feel, than on how life is unfair and not worth being lived. It is also about being kind to ourselves and taking care of ourselves. Because that is inherently positive. It is consciously taking action to shower our bodies in positivity and that is a perfect first step to more positivity.

This list is not complete, there are countless other little things, that have us become more positive. And in the end it is a very individual journey, but for me breaking out of negativity was long overdue and these tips come straight out of my personal journal. I know that negativity is the one thing that if I do not get rid of, I don’t even have a single shot a happiness.

Why Looks Matter.

Growing up many of us have been told that looks are not the most important thing in the world. We have been trained to ignore them as much as possible. The whole thing was designed to prevent us from becoming arrogant and shallow. If looks do not matter, why do companies have dress codes, even though only few of them are for safety? Why do lawyers and bankers show up in suits? It is true: looks are not the most important thing. But they do matter.

Looks are a form of communication. And they say so much more than just what my favorite color is, or that I like cats. Lawyers and bankers wear suits to tell their clients that they are competent. Doctors want to see their mental health patients before sending them over to a specialist of mental health, to assess how badly they are. But Clothes are not just a way to communicate to the world around us that we are competent, or that we know we are attractive.

It is also a way to communicate to ourselves. Taking the time to put on some jewelry or using some mascara, tells us, that we respect and value ourselves and our bodies. And that is something that we most definitely want to focus on, especially if we do have a history of self-harm. Dressing appropriately and nice is also a way to respect the people around us. Because they are the ones looking at us, all day.

But there is one more benefit in taking the time to create a nice outfit and that may be the most crucial one: It allows us, to check in on ourselves. It allows us, to figure out how we are feeling. Even if it is just how we are feeling about a certain piece of clothing. It is a first step to checking in on our actual mental state. And it tells us, how we want to feel. Our personal style reflects who we are. Are we playful? Are we serious and focused on achievements?

When it comes to clothes, many of us have intuitively chosen a style at some point in our lives. And some of us may have chosen clothes based on our body-type and skin color. We have tried to rationalize what looks best on us based on scientific evidence. I see one problem with both approaches: The first does not even acknowledge the power of clothes and dressing well, the second looses all mystery. The second focuses very much on what will look good based on scientific evidence and may easily forget that we only look good, if we feel good. Of course often times we intuitively choose what we should choose according to science. But just because our color season says we should wear green, does not mean, we have to wear green, even if we hate the color.

Clothes have more purpose other than being a form of communication. They should also empower us. Clothes empower us, not only by making us feel good. But they empower us, by reflecting who we choose to be. If you have not done so within the last 12 months I highly encourage you to adjust your wardrobe. Envision who you want to be. Maybe even write it down or make a Pinterest board. Then go into your closet and ask yourself for every single piece that you own not only Marie Kondo’s question “Does this spark joy?” But also: “Is this in line with who I want to be?”.

Why is this so important? What is around us, reflects who we are. Clothes are not just around us. They are on us. They are not only serving us, they are covering our bodies. Surrounding our bodies. Thinking clothes would be a minor detail in a human’s life is a fatal mistake. Because they are what we see when we look at ourselves. They make us feel a certain way. And we need to learn to use that to our advantage. We need to figure out, how we want clothes to make us feel. And then we cannot rest until we find those clothes, that make us feel powerful.

Having high standards when it comes to clothes may be an indicator for being spoiled. But it may also mean, that we know what we want. That we know what we need. It is wonderful, if we are able express our needs. It is so incredibly powerful to be able to choose what we need rather than just take whatever comes our way first. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is actually a skill that is so valuable and important and applies to so many areas in life. Clothes just being a very good way to acquire that very skill.

Do not make the mistake in thinking, that wearing the newest trend will empower you. I am sorry to bust your bubble, it will not. Trends are there for people who do not know who they want to be. Trends are there for people who need the mass’ approval of who they are. But if we wear what other’s want us to wear, we are not utilizing the power that clothes have. Maybe we are even working against ourselves, because we are wearing clothes, that embody values, that are the exact opposite of our own values.

Never adjust your values to what you are wearing. Adjust what you are wearing to who you are.

There is nothing wrong with trying a trend, but there is everything wrong with wearing a trend that is not in line with who we are, just because it is a trend. If we need external approval to that extent, we are very insecure. Insecure to an unhealthy extent.

Clothes are a tool. They can empower us to an incredible extent, if we know how to do it. And learning how to handle clothes properly, finding out what makes us comfortable and empowered. Is more than just finding a style that suits us, that looks good on us. It is about finding who we want to be. It is about respecting who we want to be and it is about learning to understand and communicate what we need. And this goes beyond clothing.

This is what real confidence is. Knowing yourself well enough that you are not pleased with something that is not right for you, just because it is trending right now. Confidence means not wearing a trend unless it suits you. It means not needing the external approval that comes with wearing something trendy. It means feeling comfortable and empowered wearing something that represents your values, regardless of what anyone else says. Because you are wearing what is right for you.

Not in a way that you walk around in inappropriate clothes. But that for any occasion there is something in your closet that is appropriate and the right thing for you. And when you wear it to that occasion you will not feel out of place and you will not feel like you are betraying yourself. This is confidence.

High Caliber Women

I have been mentally evolved in the thoughts of what makes a high caliber woman for a while now. It is no secret, that I am a woman and therefore it is obvious, where my interest in the topic is coming from.

Respect.

I have talked about respect a lot. And I believe the first and foremost quality a high caliber woman has, is respect. Respect for herself, for the ones around her. For opinions she is presented with. She respects the rules of the community she is living in. That does not mean, she has to like them, but she respects them and lives according to them. For instance this applies to respecting speed limits. Not because she thinks that the speed limit itself deserves her respect, but she respects the government who made those rules enough, to believe, that they make those rules with everyone’s best interest in mind, and therefore she will keep to those rules, because she respects others and she will never want to hurt them, therefore doing, what is best for everybody.

Integrity.

While respect is a very big topic and does affect many areas of a human’s specifically a woman’s life, integrity is even bigger. Much bigger. Integrity is about the character of a woman. Of course a woman gets to choose who she wants to be. She gets to choose her partner and she gets to choose to stay single. But once she chooses she makes a commitment. This does not only apply to relationships. This also applies to everything in a woman’s life. She will not make important decisions like how to spend her time lightly. She will make a decision and commit. Which means, that everything a high caliber woman sets her mind to she considers worth fighting for.

She makes those choices out of respect for herself and her surroundings. But it is impossible to make good choices, choices we can commit to, if we are not able to be honest. If a high caliber woman does not want to do something, she will communicate that. Respectfully. But unmisunderstandably. Because she understands that it is more important to commit fully to the things she does want to do, than to commit to a big number of things half-heartedly. A good woman will choose her commitments wisely, because she understands the importance of those choices. This is what separates her from an experimenting Teenager. There is nothing wrong, with trying out new things. We can also commit to trying something out, we can commit to researching how a new style of clothes would make us feel. But while the Teenager thinks this new edgy style is their new style that they will be wearing for the rest of their lives, a high caliber woman knows she is just trying something new. And once she knows how that new style makes her feel she will commit to wearing it sometimes or not. She does not need to commit to always wearing it, but she can do so, if she wishes to.

Integrity is also about the values a woman commits to. Integrity means that she knows and respects her values. She does not compromise them for momentary pleasure. She protects those values. And she will distance herself from anyone who tries to alter her values. Not because she is a coward. But because she is aware, that the longer she is around people who do not respect her values to more likely it becomes she will water down those very values, which is never something anyone with integrity should be doing.

And finally: She cares about her commitments. Which is exactly, why she does not change what she commits to on a whim. She puts effort into her commitments. She cares about them. And they are valuable to her. This includes her social commitments, her commitments to learning new skills and exploring new hobbies, and this also includes her commitment to herself.

Gentleness and Caring.

I have an entire blog post on caring. And this most obviously ties into commitment and integrity. But it is so important on its own, that I could not just skip it here. Not only caring about something is a very beautiful quality in a woman, but also caring for something or someone. This can be the people around her, her family, her friends, her community, or her pets or flowers or even just the things she own. And she does so in gentle manner. A high quality woman does not have the intention, to hurt anyone or anything, therefore she will approaches things with gentleness. This does not mean, she will fake and be sweet just to please someone, when really she thinks that that person overstepped the boundaries. A high value woman is also honest. But she will not try to put that person back into his/her place, as gently as possible.

But from this caring also comes the protective sides in a high value woman. Gentleness and caring does not make the woman weak. They makes her strong. And make her fight for, what she believes in and protect those dear to her.

Communication and Honesty.

In the section on integrity I discussed the ability of a woman to understand, that she is just researching. In order to know what her commitments are, a high caliber woman will always be honest with herself. This ties back into integrity and respect. Without honesty it is very hard, to make the right decisions and the right commitments.

A high caliber woman will always speak her mind, but she will not end up loud and harsh, doing it. She will stay respectful and gentle, but yet firm. She understands the importance of open and honest communication. She understands that her relationships depend on it. And she tries her best to not lash out on someone for telling the truth or get upset by it. She will try to make her surrounding a safe place for the truth.

Appearance.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Looks. Appearance. They say so much about us. And many people put a lot of time and effort into maintaining them. And I agree with the statement that looks are important. But they are not important in themselves. They matter, because they allow us, to know how much a woman (or a man for that matter) respects herself. Looks are not important to tell us, what social class someone is in. They are important to tell us how well someone takes care of themselves.

Do not be fooled: Appearance does not only include our hair and make up. There is so much more to it. Our level of physical activity, our grooming and our nutrition. A high value woman does not need a personal trainer or a dietitian. She does not need to get a professional to do her hair and nails every other week. But she will take care of her hair, such that it is healthy. She will take care of her diet and exercise such that she is healthy.

She does so, because she values herself. Her routines revolve around staying healthy out of respect. This is the direct counter-action of self-harm. This would not be a blog post of mine, if I would not be mentioning mental health at some point. But I am serious. We cannot be truly high value, if we do not value ourselves. It is not necessary to go crazy with self-care. But it is very much crucial, we communicate to ourselves, that we matter, and that we care.

Knowledge.

A high caliber woman does not only look good and has high standards for her own values and commitments. She also understands the power of knowledge. She understands that there is always more to learn. And she never stops learning. She may not have an interest in every subject out there. But she has respect for every subject out there. Therefore she knows a little bit of everything. And if she meets someone from a field she does not know a lot about she will not be too good to be taught some more about it.

A high value woman will keep reading about the things she cares about. And she will keep growing her knowledge in those fields.

Her relationship to herself.

This may be the most important part of all. A high value woman will always respect herself. This means, she will take care of herself. And she understands that it is her first and foremost responsibility to do so. Every other commitment is meaningless if she does not manage to have a healthy relationship with herself.

A high quality woman knows herself, including her feelings, her likes and dislikes and her needs. she is able to communicate those and take care of herself by satisfying those needs. She will also understand when she is reaching her limit and needs some help. And she will ask for that help.

She keeps herself to high standards and keeps improving constantly. She knows, that once she stops improving she will start loosing her qualities.

Relationships.

Allow me to say one thing: Every woman can be high caliber, if she chooses to. It does not matter whether or not she is in a relationship or not. It would be wrong to state that a relationship is just another commitment, because it is a very special commitment. But a woman does not need to be in a relationship to be high value. I would even go as far as to say that a relationship does not actually affect a woman’s value. Maybe it may seem like her value changes. But that is not the case.

For some women a relationship and the perspective of motherhood is a motivation to improve and grow on an individual level. And that is a good thing. Wanting to improve is always good, no matter where that will is coming from. It does not mean, that her improvement depends on the relationship. It just means, that her relationship makes her better and frankly that is, how it is supposed to be.

But wanting to grow is not tied to relationships. It is not tied to how we grow up. It is not tied to our friends or our environment. It is tied to who we choose to be.