Tag: sick and tired

Hope and Pain

I realize how volatile I am. How my emotions swing from me loving from the bottom of my heart. From being the girl on top of the world to being sad, pushing everyone away. Hating.

Deep inside me the sensation has grown that I cannot be helped. No matter how many amazing people I have around me, who want to help me. And no matter how much I wish they could help me. They cannot.

This goes hand in hand with the fact that forcing someone to therapy will never do any good. We have to accept the truth at some point. We have to get better ourselves. And we have to walk this path alone. No matter how much we may fear loneliness. The only way out of the pain, is through more pain. And I am not saying, we should all give up hope. Because there is a way out. But it is not as easy as we keep thinking. And we are more alone than we like.

When there is no one there to help us, we have to help ourselves. No human being can take away our pain, no matter their efforts. All there is left to do is for us to be courageous enough to embrace the cold of this sickness and to realize that we are our only way out.

But there is one thing that all those people trying to help us can tell us: We are worth the efforts. We are worth it, even if we cannot believe it. We may not be understood. We may be in the dark. We may be exhausted from all the mood swings that throw us all over the emotional map, but we cannot give up. Because if we do, we are insulting everyone who ever tried helping us. All their efforts are in vain if we stop fighting.

Sometimes that thought is all that keeps me going. All that keeps me from grabbing a blade. Because in a world where every single thing we believe in, every single thing we feel, can become the total opposite in the blink of an eye, the blade, its impartial cold and the pain it causes becomes the only constant in our lives. Becomes certainty.

And certainty is all we long for. And when we loose faith in the people who are close to us. In the people who believe in us. When the emptiness swallows our trust, we seek comfort in the cuts. A friend once told me to put up pictures everywhere. To remind me of the people who believe in me. The people who I do not want to disappoint. Hoping that this will keep me from doing it. However all it does is it makes me feel like I already am a disappointment.

And I know that everyone who does believe in me will contradict me. But I cannot just stop feeling a certain way. I am aware that this is one step of getting better. But when it comes to getting better, sometimes every single step feels like running a marathon. And yet: we are the only ones who can run it.

So all we can do is hold on to the believe that there is a way out, even if it feels like it is going to take everything we’ve got. And sometimes even believing that there is a way takes everything we’ve got. But it is crucial to getting better. Realizing that we are the only ones responsible for what is happening to us. Realizing that we are the ones to change something, if we do not like it the way it is now.

On our way to getting better, we have so many people who wish to help us, but can’t. Well, their faith in us. Their pushing us to get better, may be the thing that gives us the will to heal. May be the thing that empowers us to run that marathon that the next step is.

Therapy-Status

I felt like therapy was getting me nowhere. I did talk to my therapist about it. Then my therapist went on vacation. Meanwhile I was supposed to decide how I want to go on about it. I figured out very quickly that I did not want to stay with my current therapist. And I made the plan to go see someone else. However now that I have not been to a therapy session for almost three weeks, I feel like I do not even want therapy at all anymore. There literally is no difference. Sure, there were some times where I thought that it was the worst time to not have regular sessions, but after all: It was so relaxing to not talk to someone for an hour, trying to explain and justify every severe action I did, without anything. Really. I do not think the last three weeks would have gone any different if I had seen someone in that time. I had a few friends who were amazing when it came to listening to me and giving advice.

Yes, I have been cutting a lot in the last few weeks. Yes, it has been an exhausting time. But now I am just trying to re-define myself. Trying to become better. Trying to move on. The topic of cutting makes me so angry. The thought of going to therapy frustrates me a lot and I just do not know if I really should go on in therapy. Sure, I need to fight my cutting. I should. But, do I need the help of a therapist for that? Do I really spend all that time trying to explain myself? I simply do not see the benefit. I do not need a therapist to revisit the things I have done in a week. I do not need someone asking me how much I drunk or how often I have cut. I can do that all on my own. In fact, I do that per default. I naturally check back in with me, and ask myself how I am, reflecting, trying to figure out how I can handle a problem. I do not need someone who is just as confused with who I am as I am.

Here is the thing: I do not want to. Really, my whole being is resisting, but I will go see another therapist. Because as a matter of fact I need someone to prepare me for the exam-time. I need help getting from “I went a day without cutting.” To “I did not cut for a week.” “For a month.” And hopefully months turn into years. But apparently I cannot get there on my own. So, I have to trust another human. Have to allow another person to see me the way I am. I am not scared of it. Just tired. Because it takes so much effort to try make anyone understand. Especially if I don’t really care about how that person sees me. It is like pouring salt into my cuts, because it forces me to walk all those dark paths again. It makes me remember the pain and loneliness, even if I am over it. But on the other hand I cannot be helped, if I do not talk about it to someone who can actually help me.