Being Toxic

When we slide into depression or simply feel like we have a depressed mood there is one thing that can happen so easily. We become toxic. We start dragging everyone around us down with us. Because we share our misery. And sometimes we need to be allowed to feel as sad as we want to. And it is so important that we are not alone in those hours. Because when we are it is when we get the worst ideas.

But while sharing our negative thoughts can be necessary we also know of the negative impact those thoughts can have on the people around us. We do know that our suffering becomes the pain of the people we love. We become toxic. And we are caught in a dilemma. On one hand we need nothing more than company and someone being there, comforting us. But on the other hand we know that we will share our negativity. So locking ourselves up in our rooms is wrong because it will prevent us from getting better and seeking company will make the toxins spread.

The next issue is, that we know how toxic we are. We know that we are not fun to be around. We know we are putting a damper on the mood, wherever we go. And we hate it. We hate being sad. It is not like we choose to be sad. We do not want to hurt those we love. This is why being negative around people we love will make us even more negative. Because we hate ourselves for hurting the people close to us.

Some may say: “Trust the people around you, to be able to protect themselves.” And I am a huge advocate of this. But at the same time: What if they protect themselves from us and we loose them forever just because we had a depressive phase? What if we do a lot of damage, before the other person notices that he/she needs to protect him-/herself?

So how can we interact with people? How can we talk about the things that really go on in our heads? How can we know if someone is strong enough to handle it? Honestly I do not know if we can ever be sure. And I think the best way is to work on getting rid of the negativity. I know this is so much easier to write, than to do. But for a first step I think we should all try to share our happiness and our positivity at least as much as we share our sadness. And the other really good step is to get away from ourselves. To ask people about how they are. To practice caring about how other people feel. Even if it is just to get ourselves away from the misery we experience.

And this way we can seek comfort with other people if we are not at our best, because we aren’t always negative. And we are not the only thing we care about. The question really is: Whether or not our bad moods will ruin a relationship. And the simple answer is: Only if the sadness is what defines the relationship. And it is the very same with us in general. Negativity is a normal part of life. No one can be happy non-stop. Negativity will only ruin us, if it defines us. We are only toxic to others, when we are nothing but sad.

Happy by Choice

I have spoken about positivity before. And in my last post I talked about how a vision can help fighting negativity. So I thought I might elaborate on being happy a little more. Because I find, that I choose to be sad and hurt and angry most of the time. I let all those negative emotions get to me. And feeling them is not evil per se. But there is a limit to it. And we overstep that limit, if we find ourselves, being more sad than we are happy.

Please do not get me wrong. I am not saying that someone who for example suffers from depression is choosing to be sad. I think we all have phases in our life, where choosing to be happy is pretty much impossible. We all have to decide for ourselves, whether or not we are able to work on choosing happiness… because we really are not always in a position to do so. But sometimes we are. And I think, if we can, we should be happy.

But how? I think it is a mindset. It means that we focus our mind on the positive. Like our vision of ourselves. Or the beautiful sunset. Being positive by choice means choosing to not complain. I often do that. Just complain about everything. Finding a reason to pick on everyone around me. And yes: I know this is toxic behavior. This is why I am trying to work on it. Because at some point I realized, that complaining is for immature people. Because either we do something about whatever is annoying us, or we shut up. Why talk about something that makes us unhappy and thereby remind us why we could be unhappy? There is literally no benefit to it. There are so many awesome things in this world we can go on and on about for hours. That will wake the fascination and love in us and make us feel happy. Why talk about something that does the exact opposite? Sure sometimes we need to face a problem. I am not talking about productive criticism. I am talking about pointless complaining.

I used to carry this stone to University with me every day. I used to have it right next to me while I studied. Just to remember that I was not being forced to do that. But that I had chosen this myself.

The next step of being happy by choice is believing that we can do, whatever we want to. It is working on us becoming the person we want to be. Becoming our vision of ourselves. Sure thinking we are absolutely invincible is not helpful either. Some occasional “If I do not work hard enough I will fail.” is perfectly normal. But can you see what this sentence implies? It actually comes from the mindset of “I can do this.” because it gives the condition under which we fail. Not the condition under which we succeed. And it also implicitly explains how to not fail: Work hard enough. So, if we doubt ourselves, which is normal. Let’s try to figure out in what cases we fail and formulate it such that the very same sentence that presents the problem holds the solution.

Now why would we go through all that trouble with all those details? Why does it even make a difference how exactly we put our doubts into words? Because what we say has a direct impact on our mind. And positivity is a mindset. So formulating the problem alongside with our solution will make ourselves understand that there is a solution to whatever problem we are facing.

So choosing to be happy in the end comes down to acting and talking like a happy person. Because after doing that for a week or two. Our minds believe us that we are happy. Doing this alongside with having a good vision of who we want to be, sets us up to actually becoming happy. And it boosts confidence incredibly. This I say from experience. I am not just rambling here… I once was very happy. I once had pretty much reached my vision. I stopped being positive. And I stopped being happy. Ever since I have been trying to get back into that positive mindset.

All I am saying is: it is possible to be happy. Despite everything that is hard. Despite all the pain that comes our way. Because happiness can be worked for. Yes, there are times, when all we do is try to get through the next day. Through the next night. Through the next our. Next minute. Without hurting ourselves. Without hating ourselves. But when we finally wake up from our pain. We need to remember that positivity is a choice. A mindset. One that we need. Because it will make us happy.

The Spiral. My Prison

I have become toxic. Not that is a surprise to me. But I just realized it. And… I do not hate myself for it. I just hate the fact that it happened. I hate to put the people close to me through this pain. And the more I say this, the more I wonder if this is even true. I keep saying it. And yet I am toxic. Spiraling down in that panic. I cannot stop it. I can’t. I do not have the strength to do that. Maybe I should prove that I mean, what I say. Should leave. Point being: I do not want to be alone, but I isolate myself (why does it feel like I have written these exact words down before?!).

I am locked up, am I not? In Fear. And Pain. And this self-imposed loneliness. I can try to get out. And sometimes it will feel like I was successful. But I cannot actually be free. I am at that point where I have stopped thinking about whether or not I created this situation for myself. Because now… it is here. It is real. It hurts and I just want it to stop. But I do not have the strength to do that. So I am just letting it happen. Hoping that one day it may end. The definition of giving in.