Happiness and Mental Illness

There is no denying that our happiness affects our mental health. However I do not think that being happy implies being mentally healthy. And I do not think that someone with a mental illness cannot be happy.

I think the issue is a misconception on happiness itself. There exists the idea that happiness is given to individuals. And we judge whether or not someone is happy by his material possessions and the relationship the person has. Or how intelligent the person is. But that is not enough. Things and knowledge on their own do not make happy.

So what does? Taking responsibility for our own happiness. Happiness is not given. It is worked for. We need to find out what we want. And then realize that a lot of the things that we want… we already have. And we learn to take a break and appreciate that.

Being happy does not mean we are never sad anymore. It does not mean we do not get triggered anymore. The urges don’t just go away magically. We even may still have to go see a therapist.

I think the key to being happy despite a mental illness is to be able to distinguish emotions from rationality. Sometimes we get hurt for no obvious reason. A trigger. A friend who said something that hurt us. But we keep wondering why we suddenly feel so bad. In those cases it is crucial to allow the emotions. To allow ourselves to feel the emotions but to acknowledge that there is no reason for them. Which does not mean invalidating them. It just means that we know that even though we feel bad, on a rational basis those feelings do not mean that we have a bad life or are genuinely unhappy.

This takes practice. And it requires one crucial mindset: The mindset of being the one’s in charge for our happiness. Because to be able to see what we just feel and what is actual truth, we have to be willing to look at our reactions more closely. We have to be willing to sometimes not have an explanation. But isn’t thinking: “I am just tired, that’s why I am so sad.” or “I feel bad and there is no real reason for it.” better than thinking: “Everyone around me hates me.”? One is accepting our own weakness. The other is blaming everyone around us for our own misery. One is taking responsibility and allowing ourselves, to be who we really are. The other is being unjust to other people by blaming them for something they had (possibly) no doing in. One comes from a gentle and kind mindset. From the kind of mindset that allows us to love yourselves, the other comes from a cold, negative and angry place.

I am not one for lying. I don’t say we should always just blame our own weakness, or the weather for when we feel bad. Sometimes there are reasons. But as someone who tends to mask pain with anger, I know I am likely to try to search for someone to blame and bend the truth to my will.

But that is toxic. It has the power to destroy relationships. And it puts more negativity into the world. Which is why I think we need to learn to be okay with us not being alright. And realize that it does not generally mean, we are unhappy. Not unless we have the mindset that makes us think we are unhappy. And it is our responsibility to adopt the mindset that will let us heal and make us happy. For me that is positivity and gratitude.

The Recovery Journal

I stumbled upon this in a video and I think it is something many people can benefit from. Because it is not only about getting better, is about getting motivated. And we all have times where we do not feel motivated and a source of motivation of positivity can be so helpful in those situations.

A Recovery Journal the way I was introduced to is a place that is entirely positive and contains two parts:

A section for quotes
A section for reasons to recover

The first one is just a collection of quotes that speak to our hearts. Quotes that touch us. Move us. Motivate us.

The second is broader than just “quotes”. When we think about it, there are a ton of reasons to recover:

We want to own a pet
We want to publish a book
We want to graduate
We want to marry
We want to eat our favorite cake
We want to see a close friend again
We want to own a fancy dress
etc.

Anything can go on that list, as long as it is positive. It reminds me a little of a positive bucket-list, that contains everything we want to do and become, the little things and the big things. There is no limit as long as it is positive.

I personally added a Gratitude Section. This is not a substitute for a Gratitude Log but it is a place to write down all the great things in our lives that we are grateful for. Things like:

Our friends and family
Our hobbies
Our passions
etc.

I find that adding a list titled: “Where my worth comes from” or “The Value I add to this world” it is something I have spoken about before on this blog and it is really just about remembering the good that is in us, that we so easily tend to forget, when we are in a dark place.

Another thing that might be helpful to keep in a Recovery Journal is a list of triggers. And what helps avoiding them or dealing with them. Yes, the Recovery Journal is supposed to be a place of positivity. But there are two reasons for such a list: The first is that we cannot fight something that we cannot name. And knowing what triggers us is therefore crucial. And the other point simply is: this page can show us, how often we actually managed to get out of a triggering situation, or deal with a trigger. Therefore I think it has the right for a page in the Journal.

But what do we do next? What do we do, when we have a few quotes and reasons to recover, identified and put down a few triggers?

We keep going. We come back to these lists and read them, when we are not so well, we keep those lists growing, whenever we see the opportunity. Whenever we see a good quote, we write it down. Whenever someone tells us, what helps them, and we want to try that to deal with a trigger, we write it down and see if it helps. Whenever we think of a new thing we want to do, we write it down.

And as for all of these things writing it down on actual paper makes a lot of sense, because what we have written down we remember better. I like to keep my Recovery Journal in my Book of Lists, to always have it on me. But you could totally have a designated journal for it or just use sheets of paper and file them. You can go crazy and decorate it, if you feel like it, or you can keep it to the bare minimum. Your choice. Just remember that it should never be a source of pressure. You should like to go back to your journal and read through those lists and remember the good things.

I think the Recovery Journal is a step in the right direction, because it helps having a more positive mindset. And maintaining one, is an act of the will showing that we want to get better, even if we struggle to feel like that in our everyday lives.

The Dawn

I never wanted this to be a space, where I pointlessly whine about how I feel. I started this blog with the purpose of expressing, why someone would harm him-/herself and I wanted to share, how I manage to deal with the fact that I turned against myself. I wanted to share, what I have learned one can do to get better. But I also wanted a space, where I am allowed to openly speak. So here is a quick update on my mental state:

It has been two weeks since I last saw my therapist and had my finalizing session. My last actual therapy session was five weeks ago. I last cut three weeks ago. Those cuts healed without triggering me again, which is nice. I have not yet made any attempts to get a new therapist. Though I really wanted to do that, but I honestly think, that I might benefit more from DBT, so I will talk to a professional before I make a decision.

Over all I am fine. It feels like I am finally re-orientating. It feels like I can breath again. Like the darkness has made space for the sun to dawn again. Because I can be myself again. Do not get me wrong. I know exactly, why I feel like this now and not a few weeks ago. There was a change in my life, that was necessary. I was depending on someone who did not respect me for the person I am. And that lead to me disrespecting myself. It is stupid. I know. But now this is over and I can finally focus on the woman I want to be.

It is a lot of work. Putting effort into studying. Trying to redefine my vision. Depending on only myself and people I know I can trust. But I know one thing: It is absolutely worth it. I want to be myself. I can be a strong woman with her own mind. I just have to make up my mind first. And I have to work towards believing that my view on the world is valid, no matter if other people agree with me or not. And that is what I will be doing for the coming time. I do not know how long this will take. But I will never find out, if I do not start.

Down once more

I’m listening to my breathing as the urge takes a hold of me. The two days old red lines on my thighs hurt. I used a blunt blade. Stupid craft knife. I want -I need- an actual razor blade. The alcohol is coursing through my veins. I used to think I was incapable of cutting when I’m drunk. Not true.

There is not even a trigger for this urge. Just me fighting. Cutting is an addiction. If I slide down that path more than once in a few days… I am back in that world of pain. And there I do not need any triggers whatsoever.

Sometimes I manage to distract myself until the urge has gone away. That is actually the case fairly often. Thank God. But with every time I cannot. With every bloody letter on my skin I spiral down a bit deeper. And the further I fall the greater the chance of me cutting again.

I know the mechanisms. It is not like I am blind. And I say I want to stop. But I am doubting my own words. I am questioning my own motivation. Do I really really want to stop? Have I become so addicted? Do I want to fight? Do I really want to find the energy to fight the urge? Would it not be so much easier to just give in and decide to not care about what cutting means to anyone else? Because it is release for me. Or is it?