The Silent Scream

As a Teenager I started writing books. Encoding what I felt. Trying to cope. It worked for a while. Then my world changed. I got out of school. I was supposed to be an adult. And I tried. Tried so hard. Maybe that part was even successful. But I stopped writing for the most part. I started talking. I started explaining. Texting. But my words did not reach the hearts of those I cared about. They still could not understand. They just could not see, how my life was suffocating me. How my words were me begging for help.

And that is how I started screaming. Writing on my skin. But I was under the misconception that this would force people to listen. It is incredible, but all it does is make you even more lonely.

There are those who care. Those who try to understand. Those who almost do understand. And there are those who just wish you’d stop. But you don’t. Not because you would not love them. But because deep inside you feel that they still don’t listen. After all this. They do not listen. And you are still alone. So you keep screaming for help. Silently. Lonely.

No. Not everyone who self-harms feels like this. There are those who hide. Who are not trying to get help from those whom they love. Those who try to cope with their pain by scaring themselves without letting anyone know. Those may call me an attention-seeker. Those may hate me for cutting. Those are the only ones I will ever accept judgment from for what I am doing. But let me say this: If you do not try to be understood… you cannot be smashed to the ground, when you realize that no one understands.

By now… my own body is screaming for the pain to stop. I randomly shiver. My feet fall asleep. My muscles twitch. I am sick. And if I happen to be hungry and eat something, I will get even more sick. I could just let my weight speak for itself. Having a number attatched to a mental condition… just another hope of mine to make them understand. My plan to not feel hungry is simple: keep drinking coffee.

I know this is no joke. I know that I am supposed to fight it. I know that I should not be trying to develop an eating disorder. I actually don’t think I am. I just know that I want to be screaming from the bottom of my heart. I know that I do not want to fight. Because I want people to see. Even though I know they won’t.

What the worst part is? The fact that I do not want to talk to my therapist. The fact that I do not want to heal. I do not want to get better. I don’t. At this point I just wanted to write “It makes no sense.” But the sad thing is, it does. I don’t want to get better… because what is happening is that my symptoms would get taken away. The mental pain I am in, will stay. And the symptoms are my way of crying for help, so unless the pain goes away… I do not want the symptoms to vanish either.

4 thoughts on “The Silent Scream

  1. Getting better, so far as I understand it, is about learning to handle the pain, learning to be its’ master so that it doesn’t harm you, so that it doesn’t run your life. Instead of self harming to handle the pain, it’s handling the pain so that it doesn’t hurt so much. I think. Not that I really know.
    I actually appreciate hearing why you do.
    Though self harming and eating disorders aren’t any fun to live with… I promise!
    Lotsa love, light and glitter… I hope this week brings rays of sunshine your way. You’re worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. For your kind words. For your honesty. Everything.
      My idea of getting better (my reason to go to therapy) is to find the source of the pain and deal with that. Because I still do not know WHY I am so hurt. I have no reason to be hurt. And yet I am.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There’s not always a specific reason why…
        Good luck. I hope it’s helpful and you are able to do that (you are, though it’s not an easy journey, not like I’ve really done it though)
        Happy Sunday

        Liked by 1 person

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