Two months ago I said that when it will be over, I would be able to forgive myself. It is over. It has been for a long time. But it turns out that forgiving myself is not as easy. I regret. I promised I would not. But I do. It is not raging anger towards myself. It is not fear or pain parallelizing me. Just a bitter memory that comes up not just sometimes. But almost daily.
I am trying to take my anger out on the punching bag, but when I am finished with it, I simply break down crying. And the longer I sit on the floor, the stronger the urge to cut becomes. No. It is too early. And it will probably need a trigger. I have not cut in too long to simply do it again. But at some point. What if I do? I do not want it, do I? I do not even have the energy to think about it.
What is wrong with me?! An hour ago I was perfectly fine. And now?
I am floating. Just… Studying. Doing nothing else. And I guess I should be proud of myself for that. But it really… I thought I had it all figured out. And now this. Maybe studying is just what I am holding onto to keep a purpose. Maybe it is my only real constant. I don’t know. And I don’t really care. I don’t feel like figuring it all out. For this moment… For tonight I just wish to be empty and sad. There is nothing wrong with that. I am just feeding the pain and I know it. And I know I should be choosing not to do it. Because eventually that pain will manifest on my skin. Or… Will it? I don’t know. And I don’t care. I do not want to think. I cannot stop feeling bit if I could. I would. Tomorrow I will go back to studying and everything will be back to the way it is supposed to be.